estimated reading time: 10 mins.
As I sat waiting to board a flight, I had a glimpse of what had happened for the past year and noted some changes that I tried to adapt to. It is quite common that I self-evaluate especially when my birthday is coming up or anytime toward the end of the year with the intention of personal growth and recognizing who I have become.
Here are 10 things I found challenging to stop doing, but I believe I sort-of-finally did, for the past year:
1. Too much apologizing or Saying 'it's okay' when it is Not
“I’m sorry” was my default response for any minor inconvenience. It’s uncertain if it was due to the lack of something to say. One time a friend was feeling antsy about the warm weather. He whispered, ‘so hot’ and immediately words went out my mouth, ‘I’m sorry.’ He then said, ‘what are you sorry for?’ and I was like ‘I apologize on behalf of the universe.’ Girl, hush. Once a patient was snappy with her responses when I asked if there’s anything I can help her with. She realized that she was rude and said she was sorry. I bit my tongue when I’m about to say ‘it’s okay’ because in reality it was not. I just went silent and let her read the silence. There is nothing wrong in apologizing in an argument where we value our relationship with people more than proving a point, but I learned that unreasonable apologies should stop.
2. Saving the best for last
I am no longer waiting for what I deemed to be a perfect moment before using all the nice things I own, whether it be perfumes, dresses, shoes, candles, blankets, towels – I will use all of them regularly, even on my most mundane days. I have to remind myself that every waking moment might be the last and everyday is a perfect moment to live it best.
We have no problem with gathering stuff.
But we have a problem with using it.
- Gillian Dunn
3. Addressing everyone as 'Friend'
I struggled to wrap my head around the fact that not everyone is our friend. But as I grew mature with my relationships, I realized people play certain roles in our lives. They could be our core people, best friends, close friends, workmates, or the people we know just because they were always there during family reunions. It’s tricky to categorize and it might seem like a mean thing to do, but really, it also works the other way. There are people who only know us by our name like how we are to them - and we never played the part of being their friend. We can call them colleagues or acquaintances and that would work just fine.
Closeness with people varies by degrees and they can also stay or shift from one level of friendship to another. Some know us from childhood but do not know us in our adult years anymore. So they WERE our friends, but not anymore. Some didn’t know our past, but are experiencing the best version of us now. Sometimes we do not need to call everybody our friend or keep calling them our friend when the mutual connection stopped. Life happens and it's okay and is completely natural.
On another note there are friends who stay no matter what and there are also people that come back to where we left off and nurture the friendship with us once again. There are also friends for keeps to whom we will always put our best foot forward to have them in the loop of our lives. These people are the ones we address as friends.
4. Not Create
I knew deep in my heart that I always loved words, colors, music, art and the world of creativity. Many times I would delay giving in to the desire of creating until it is time for bed. I would end up not creating anything for the day. I have to remind myself that I can and I should. I am capable of making my ideas exist.
I have to remind myself that we all came from the Ultimate Creator, who formed each one of us - His creations - into existence. We love, because He first loved us. We create, because He first created us. Creating fills up the soul because it is a natural calling and I have been holding back for far too long. I have to remind myself to just show up. I owe it to myself, I owe it to my Creator, I owe it to this one life I am given.
5. Waiting for perfection Before Creating
I do not need to be perfect, I do not need to be great. I can do and enjoy the things I love even if I have not perfected any skills yet. (I promise I will forget these self-affirmations at some point.)
One day I might achieve my own version of perfection, but I will never arrive there if I continue to be paralyzed by the desire of perfection before putting anything out into the world. Only when I jumped into daily creating would I start to learn more about myself and would feel that I am progressing towards my creative goals. I have to remind myself that perfection is not the first step, it is the outcome of many, many mishaps and small steps.
6. Not read
10 minutes or 10 pages per day is the only thing I need.
My mama loves to read herself and would always tell me to read everything as much as I can. She urges me to practice reading with every chance I get, even try to read the words from the billboard signs we pass by on a bus ride going home. She said that reading makes people smart, it makes you learn more about the world. Growing up with that, I understood that reading could be a good thing. I was excited for bedtime because this is my time to read when I was a kid.
Adulthood happened and there was less time to dedicate to reading a whole book. I resorted to audiobooks and reading blogs. Books are taking me a whole month to finish, at least. One writer I adore these days is Austin Kleon and it was from him I heard for the first time, “If you want to be a writer, you have to be a reader first.”
I cannot do all this writing without reading from authors who have made it already. I cannot write without filling up my mental library.
The fact is, books are made out of books.
- Cormac McCarthy
7. Planning too much
I was fixated with planning. I thought I am achieving a lot by laying down every detail that I can think about. It felt like ‘cleaning up my thoughts’. One of the good creators, Struthless, struck me when he said, “Thinking about stuff is not doing stuff.” I have to remind myself that - planning is not doing and at some point I have to start with my actions. I have to do stuff to create stuff. Planning is good, but too much planning is unnecessary.
8. Not Exercising
I know at this point that for the longest time I have been avoiding exercise because there’s no real motivation behind it. The idea is not enjoyable (being warm, red, and sweaty) and it’s easy to dodge it because I feel young and my body is functioning well. But I work in healthcare and I should know that health is the true wealth. If I love my family, I should do everything to take care of my body for them. If I want to serve people, I have to be physically capable. If I want to bear my own children, play with them and stay with them for most of their life, I should at least start taking care of my health and physical body now.
To start, I kept it simple. I stopped doing drastic routines and stuck to one exercise daily. I also stopped trying to look for big reasons why I have to do it but just challenging myself on a specific time-based goal, for instance - doing it for 40 days. The goal helped me to move towards the finishing line. All for making it doable. No overthinking, just showing up. And everything grew from there.
Suddenly exercising does not feel taxing and I kept adding up one routine goal at a time. Some simple exercises I do are: walking around the neighborhood for 5,000 steps or 5 miles, lifting a bar for 3 sets, or using equipment stations for legs, glutes and arm exercises.
9. not being proud of myself
I have spent my younger years believing that being proud has a negative connotation to it. I thought that being humble is the opposite and the way to do that is to not celebrate myself too much and keep it low whenever I accomplished something. Turns out I was just invalidating myself. I learned that healthy pride does not cancel true humility, it actually flows from it.
I can be proud of my wins without it getting into my head. I can accept kind words, honor and affirmations without being arrogant. Talking about the kind of pride that is not about self-exaltation or being boastful; being proud that doesn’t necessarily mean being loud. We can be proud and be humble at the same time when it’s rooted in gratitude and not about showing off.
Even in the quietest of moments, in the silence of my heart, being proud of myself means allowing myself to be happy after a good day’s work. It is about celebrating myself no matter how small my wins are.
10. Finishing a boring series or Movie
I am guilty of trying to finish a show I don’t enjoy just because I have already spent an hour on it. Time is treasure, I can choose to waste more time uninterested or use it for something I will enjoy more. Mind you I have lined up shows that I haven’t started yet, so definitely I have options. I can also choose to cut down my already short-lived screentime and just create. Write or paint, less media consumption and more creative production. All that to say, I will not be guilty for all the abandoned shows on my ‘Keep Watching’ list on Netflix anymore.
I am so proud of you MAHAL KO!❤️ keep reading and writing.